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Kill me softly. What do you think of this entry? The guestbook awaits.
Sometimes one has to review his past. He has to see things from a different perspective. He has to look through the prism of his experiences, and judge his actions somewhat objectively. Even historians would tell you that they would have to wait sometime before writing a recent historic event.
I've been doing that. I have been looking back on my life. It's melodramatic, I have to admit, but can you really say life isn't melodramatic? After all, fiction has some basis in human affairs. So, now I look back at those events not long ago, I laugh at myself. I laugh at my immaturity, at my foibles and my inexperience because I can afford to do so. I look back at those years, not because I am no longer a teenager, but because I still am. I can still learn, because I am still immature. I'm still the same clumsy young man.
A friend of mine told me how idealistic I am, and that it would get me nowhere. True— this world has grown to be so cutthroat that idealism has no place except in stories and books. However, I still believe in idealism. I sometimes criticize myself for being decidedly un-idealistic.
Sometimes, one has to look back into his past and learn from it— and as a result, get closer to his ideal.
I've learned in particular how difficult it is to get over an old wound. Questions arise: should I forgive? Must I forgive? Will I be forgiven? Must I rebuild burned bridges?
That last question haunted me. Must I? Should I? My Christian upbringing tells me, yes, I should rebuild. One should, after all, welcome the prodigal son with open arms. But, but... even if I am Christian, that seems to be extremely difficult in this modern world. After all, why should a person expend time and energy to rebuilding friendships? After all, we tell ourselves that we "can live without him/her."
Yet, think about it. Shouldn't we be patient and understanding, because we too are weak? Whatever the reason, shouldn't we understand that we are also human and that we also make mistakes? Isn't it that, because we are human, we have the capacity for change?
Experience also tells us things don't quite work that way.
It is so difficult for a person my age to make decisions about life. I'm faced with harsh reality and sweet idealism. I'm forced to choose between gritty facts and soothing should-be's. I sometimes find myself despairing over the situation; my efforts are all for naught, I chide myself.
I also realize that life wouldn't be interesting and worth living if it were easy. We would be but glorified automatons if the world were "perfect." Maybe this is, after all, a perfect world. Maybe we should stop dreaming and start living. Maybe it's time to build and rebuild bridges.
And so I did. And am doing.
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